OCC: In case you wonder, I DID base this, on his 2000 campaign. Some might be loosely based for creativity reasons (fare warning XD) but I tried to concentrate as much of his platform as I could.
Cooper the reporter: "We've just been informed that Fmr. Asst. Secretary of State Alan Keyes, is about to address his intentions to run to the office of the president of the United States! Stay with as, while we switch for the live address at Bedford, New Hampshire."
*Keyes makes his way to the podium as he waves to the crowd. He starts to speak:*
"People of America! Today, the 21st of September, 1999, I, Alan Keyes of Maryland, declare my candidacy to the office of the President of the United States of America!"
*The crowd erupts into cheers while one woman shouts: "WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I LOVE YOU KEYESSSS!!!! MAKE ME PREGNANT WITH TRIPLETSSS!!!" Keyes crosses his hands and gives her a dismayed glance, which only adds to her enthusiasm and encourages her to launch onto the platform as she gives Keyes a forceful kiss on the lips (Note: If it's too far, I'll censor this part XP)!!! To the crowd's utterly shocked looks, the security officers jump on top of the platform, restrain her and accompany her out of the vicinity. Keyes continues disgusted, in spite of the recent escalation:*
"As you can see, America today is more sinful and godless than ever before! The woman you saw, is just an example to all the sins that surround us. As president, I will ensure to end the long-lasting separation of church and state, as this doctrine is a vile misinterpretation of the U.S. constitution. The First Amendment, is aimed to ensure religious freedom in the U.S., and as president, I will do anything in my power to affirm the free exercise of religion. However, The First Amendment clearly, DOES NOT forbid religious influence over politics and society. The First Amendment prohibition of established religion aims at forbidding all government sponsored COERCION of religious conscience, but definitely does not mean that the church should be separate from the state. The opposite is true, and I state it loud and clear before you on this very day: The church has to be an integral part of the U.S. government, in order for us to achieve a better, holy, America! Therefore, I hereby declare my campaign's slogan - MAKE AMERICAN SAINT AGAIN!!!"
*A group of monks break into a wild, noisy tap-dance as a way to applaud Keyes, since their hands are already too preoccupied with crosses, small figures of the blessed Virgin Mary, among other religious items. The crowd, man-possessed, can't stop from chanting: "Make America Saint Again! May America be Blessed Again! Keyes 2000!!!" until finally Keyes, with a satisfied smirk, raises his hand.*
"Please! Respectful crowd! I implore you to let me finish! As much as I am honoured by your unwavering support, we need to move forward and take a look at other pressing issues this country is facing! Another, very crucial issue, is the rights of our unborn citizens. Abortion is unjustly taking the life of many human beings, and therefore, violates one of our most basic human rights, guaranteed in our Constitution. Despite being fully dependent on the mother, both physically and substantively, each and every womb has the right to live. The mere possession of the physical power we have, doesn't give us the right to massacre the wombs in any form or way! Thus, as President, I will put an end to this madness and BAN ABORTION OUTRIGHT!! I'LL DO IT FOR THE SAKE OF OUR UNBORN CITIZENS!!!"
*Keyes surprisingly steps down of the stage, and halts in front of the first pregnant woman he sees in the crowd. He gives her a haunting look which warns her not to even dare messing with her unborn's life! From the stress that has been implicated upon her, the woman then faints and collapses. Fortunately, an unassigned ambulance was passing nearby, ready to take her to the nearest hospital in order to ensure her womb's integrity. Keyes leaps again onto the platform, dusts himself off and pursues with his speech:*
"And now for another key issue of my campaign, the tyrannical taxing system. The tyrannical, taxing system of today, and the Communist government spending system, cannot be tolerated any more! They restrain our freedom to make our own choices in life, specifically, how to spend our hard earned money! As president, I will ensure a complete abolishment of the insane, Bolshevist, income tax, and replace it with a much more sensible, sales tax! The income tax, is a socialist experiment that has failed America and it is about time to reinstitute, the old taxing system from 80 years ago, which relaid on only sales, excise and tariff taxes! A 23 percent sales tax, is the only way for us to regain the economic liberty our founders intended us to have, and therefore should be implemented outright!"
*A few of Keyes' campaign staff, ride into the crowd with an automobile filled with 100 dollar bills. They shoot them into the air, using a cannon mounted on top of the vehicle. The audience watches the raining money, and has now turned truly savage. Each and every person in the crowd bounces into the air, in an attempt to catch as many bills as s/he currently can. Even the monks drop their crosses in order to catch some! However, to their disappointment, they find out the bills are only printed decorative ones. Together, they sigh in discontent. It seems some things ARE too good to be true..*
"I know... I know... This might not be the real thing... But when I will be president almost everyone will finally have money TO PAY FOR ALL OF THEIR LIFE NEEDS!!"
*The crowd seems to accept the notion without criticism. So they cheer: "Make America Saint Again! Make Keyes President!"*
"Thank you all! Thank you very much! Now, I will conclude this speech but not before stating where I stand on issues I haven't talked about yet. On the issue of Welfare, sex education should be banned in order to prevent promiscuity! Also, I will ensure that homosexual marriage won't be legal, since sexual orientation is a behavior and therefore under the control of a human being. Another measure that will make our country more righteous, is letting parents the ability to freely choose schools for their children. I will fight against the affirmative action, as it is patronising Afroamericans and women, and I will strongly stand for maintaining the U.S. sovereignty, even if against the UN's decisions. And last but not least, I will relentlessly and consistently stand to the right of The Second Amendment! The right to bear arms is a constitutional right and elitists that try to prevent responsible people from having a gun, are no less than tyrannical in principal!"
*The audience is initially a bit hesitant if it is the right moment to clap, considering Keyes is about to finish his speech. HOWEVER, after the NRA's representatives start pointing their guns around, they seem to have a change of heart and start clapping fanatically for at least 10 minutes straight!*
"So it is official now, I am running for president, in order to make America a holier, more blessed nation! WE WILL WALK IN THE PATH OF JESUS! WE WILL MAKE EVERYONE SEE THE LIGHT OF GOD! IT'S TIME TO MAKE AMERICA SAINT AGAIN! AND MAKE AMERICA BLESSED AGAIN! THANK YOU ALL!!! MAKE SURE TO MAKE DEEDS EVERY DAY!! AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU!!! AND MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!"
*The audience starts chanting "Keyes! Keyes!" and "Make America Saint Again!" simultaneously in a deafening sound! Keyes lingers to appease the crowd for a few minutes, then takes his leave, walking towards his car. As he opens his door a reporter interrupts him before he is able to close it!*
Reporter: "So Keyes! How are you feeling right now? What is your campaign going to revolve around? And.."
Keyes: "Hello Shirley! I am very excited! I feel it is the right time for me to become the next president of the United States. We will make America a holy place, like it never was before. As I said in my speech my key issues are The integration of Church and State (vs The Separation of Church from State), Unborn Rights (vs Abortion) and Taxes. Although I also have a decisive stances on other issues, those are top priority when it comes to saving America! God bless you and Goodbye!"
Shirley the reporter: "But wait! I still haven't fini-!!!"
*Keyes slams the door of the car and veers into the distance*
Shirley the reporter: "Well it seems this is all we were able to get from Alan tonight, back to you Cooper!"